TL;DR Just over a year ago I got diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis but I’m still really good at my job.
I literally had to look it up when they diagnosed me cause that was a lot of syllables and I had no idea what it was. Demyelinating disease, yay! more syllables.
I define it as my immune system really thinks it’s doing a good job and wants me to be proud of it and hang it’s latest project on the fridge for all to see. (and I do, cause that lil guy is really trying)
Honestly, I’ve been incredibly grateful that my flavor of MS does not currently come with significant mobility issues (outside of flare up times at least) but man have I been catching some silly lil non-mobility impacting issues lately that got me all kinds of nervous.
I get confused.
Most of the time it’s just a *pause* think about it a lil longer, then go again. But sometimes it’s a “where the heck am I and how the heck did I get here?” And that one is quite surreal. Feels like I just teleported somewhere (heck yes Nightcrawler powers!) and oof. Super weird.
I lose words a lot. Like a mid sentence, lose the plot, “what’s that song where grandma got run over by a reindeer”, kind of loss of words. It’s there…but I can’t find it.
My patience has been at an all time low.
Stress can flare up more of these (as my neurologist has told me) and how can I not have plenty of that?
Ongoing g*cide. Daily human rights violations on blast. AND I gotta find a way to care about being cast in projects?
While it has NOT yet impacted my performance (outside of having influenced emotions I can draw from for the characters I play) it has started to impact my ability to communicate with clients and feel confidence in how I’m speaking with them. (I’m used to being quick witted and charismatic, so it hits the pride a bit)
So if we’ve met and I seemed like I was fumbling on my words, it’s uhhh cause I was nervous which made my brain all confused. No other reason. *insert gif of Spider Pig here*
I’m very hopeful for what’s next for me still:
I’ve got some castings I’m super proud of.
The coaching’s I’ve received from actors I admire so heckin much have been incredible. (Shout out Richard Horvitz and Arianna Ratner)
I have reached so many of my 2024 goals already, and believe I can reach all of them before the end of the year. Will I? I dunno. but I believe I can.
I write all this cause I got an upcoming MRI (with and without contrast) to see if my treatment has done it’s job and kept my brain from eating itself. (I get it. I like a tasty treat too) And depending on that, it could cause a slight pause to my work I’ve been working so damn hard on for the past 4 years. (and if I’m honest it has already slightly paused a lot of my efforts already as I am approaching it)
Pause. Not stop.
I am hell bent on succeeding in this industry and won’t let something silly like my brain destroying itself stop me.
If the treatment has done it’s job, then consider the slight pause over. We should chat.